Happy Monday. I hope you all had a relaxing and rejuvenating weekend.
Recently I was severely hurt by a man. This is something that I have been dealing with for the last 2 months and it has most definitely impacted the severity of my depression. Many of us end up in these situations because we choose to ignore the red flags. I am going to share my story today in hopes it will help you be more cautious with your heart.
I met him in a club (flag #1). He was handsome; tall & dark. The attraction (lust) was instant. That night he messaged me a couple times trying to get me to his place, but I refused (flag #2). I have never and will NEVER let a man take me home from the club unless he is my boyfriend, fiance’, or husband. At first I just went with the flow because I thought to myself, “He’s a joke & not to be taken serious”. This is where I made the biggest mistake because I chose to entertain a man with no intentions and set no boundaries.
We continued to converse and I began to become attracted to him in more ways than just physically. It seemed like we had so much in common and could have great conversations. He pulled me in with an image of him that was not real; I fell for it and gave him my body. Not too long after this, I found out he lied when he said he was single (flag #3). I confronted him about this and he lied about his situation. He said he did not want to be with her but it was more difficult to leave because of his child. I asked if they lived together and he denied it saying she’s just around a lot co-parenting. Well it wasn’t long after this I found out that was a lie as well. They were still living together and carrying on as a family. I felt robbed of my body because I allowed him to have me under certain conditions and those conditions were falsified.
So, do you think I left him alone or I continued to talk to him? You guessed it, I stayed in the picture.
Once I had all of this information I confronted him another time. This time he seemed so sincere and honest. He finally told me the truth; he was in a situation where he was not happy and wanted to get out. The sadness in this eyes caught my sympathy. He made me feel like he wanted to get out of his situation the right way and be with me. I believed him because I was blind. My feelings had gotten so wrapped up in him at this point that I chose to believe him.
Soon he also confided in me about his financial issues. He blamed the mother of his child for his bulk of debt (flag #4) and made it seem as though she was using him and not reciprocating what he gave. I could understand this. I mean we’ve all been in situations where people have not appreciated and valued us. So I decided to help him through his hard time with the impression I was investing in a future with a man who wanted to be with me, love me, and build with me. I let my heart, my kindness and generosity overpower my mind.
Time carried on and I was pleased with the progress he was making. He stayed focused on getting back on his feet and began taking steps to get out of his situation with the mother of his child. This made me feel confident that he was truthful now, BUT then things started to change. I noticed he wouldn’t come over as much. When I would text he wouldn’t always respond (flag #5). This is when I began to be insecure. I started thinking “what have I done? I’ve been there for him and been with only him. I’ve proven I care!”. I would keep asking him “Do you still want to be with me? Are you still attracted to me? Are you sure you want to settle down? Are you sure this is what you want?”. Each time he would respond yes…….but the communication continued to decrease. He said he just had a lot on his plate at the moment and he wanted to focus on what he needed to do in order to better his situation. Again, I ignored the flags and continued trying to make someone who had shown me they don’t love me….love me.
Everything eventually boiled over when things began to get good for him. He had found a great job, but this job meant he had to be away for awhile. I keep pressing him to spend time with me before he would have to be gone for 30 days, but my requests went ignored or there was always an excuse. Then I saw he was out of town and had blocked me from his Instagram stories (flag #6). At that moment my eyes finally opened and I saw it for what it was.
I was upset that he would rather be in another city than spend his last days with me. I just texted him a kind message that read “I think we just need to be friends. I’m getting to the point where I’m just not even wanting to try or look forward to anything anymore.” His response, “Alright, if that’s how you feel then that’s fine, We can leave things that way……….” Right then I knew there was someone else in the picture. It was as though he was waiting for me to step away from the situation so he could say it was me. The lack of communication, the excuses, dancing with other girls in the club, the lying….I had allowed myself to be blind to all these things until now. Even after all of this I decided to remain his friend.
About a week later his friend posted a picture of him with another woman. Of course I screenshot it and sent it to him. I asked him what was going on and he gave me the bullshit excuse that his friend was trying to make the mother of his child angry. In my mind I’m asking myself two things: If you really wanted to be with me, why are you trying to make your child’s mother mad & does this woman reside in the place you visited instead of spending time with me. I told him I know he had to be in that city with someone else and he said she was a friend whom he visited to celebrate her birthday. I let him know I did not believe that because they looked too cozy together. I knew it was a lie and at this point I was done. I cannot remember the last time I have felt so unworthy and self conscious. This man promised me he would not hurt me, but like everything else..that was a lie.
Fast forward to Valentine’s Day…. she posted him. Again, I confronted him. I was just so angry and hurt that I could not help myself. He again said they were friends and he was not ready for a relationship. Then he said, “She helped me when you gave up!”. I broke down and flashed out. He made me believe a dream he was selling would be a reality. He used me. He was finally on his feet and he chose to cut ties with the person who was there for him through all of his struggles and be with someone else. He threw me away like I was nothing after all I had done.
So here I am trying to piece back the the broken pieces of my self-esteem and my heart. For weeks I would look in the mirror and think “What’s wrong with me? Am I not attractive enough?”. I kept questioning what I did wrong? Why would he do this to me? The reality is the only thing I did wrong was give my time, body, and heart to someone who did not deserve it. For all that time I stayed so focused on the good in him and the dream that I ignored his true colors. I I opened myself to a narcissist and I had to face the consequences.
For months I supported him with everything he tried or wanted to achieve, I helped him financially, I showed him what true love should look like. He promised me the world but instead another woman is enjoying the benefits. My heart still aches and I still cry from time to time but each day gets better. I am focused on my life and healing. I will find my peace again and this time I will not allow anyone to disturb that.
Don’t ever allow a person to make you feel guilty for bringing to light their inadequacies. Trust your instinct. Know your self-worth and never expect less. Love yourself more and protect your heart. Lastly, always remember that a man/woman can only do what you allow them to do.